of a new relationship, of dating and what it entails. There was a time when the thought of dating was exciting. The chance to meet someone new and learn about him and his life. Would he speak spanish and make a mean Paella? Or would he be an adventurer who went to iceland to learn about Polar bears and how global warming affects their habitat? Perhaps he would turn out to be a teacher who taught kindergarten and was great with kids. Or an architect who made great cheesecake. The possibilities were limitless and my excitement knew no bounds. It didn’t matter much what his background was chances were we would have a good time getting to know each other.
Now when I think about dating I feel uneasy. It’s not that I’m worried he won’t like me, it’s that I’m worried that he will but I won’t like him back. I’m worried that once again I’ll feel let down at the end of the date. What if I don’t like yet another guy? And what if I have to tell another person that no, I like you but I don’t want to date you?
That’s only one half of what I dislike about dating. The other more stressful part for me is when I feel like a guy is going to ask me out but I don’t want him to. I hate it when a pleasant relationship with a coworker is strained because he starts calling on weekends just to say hello. I want to tell him that I don’t need to talk to you on weekends it’s enough that I see you during the week. Or when the grocer gets a little too friendly and you feel like maybe it’s time to go out of your way to a different grocery store that happens to be ten blocks further than your regular one. sigh. I feel like I’ve become very suspicious of guys. All they have to do is look at me a certain way and already I’m two steps ahead and know that pretty soon they’ll be asking me out. So no, I don’t want to go out with you. I’m sure you’re a really nice guy and any girl would be lucky to have you. But I’m not interested. I just want to buy my groceries in peace and I’m sorry if by saying thank you and responding to your comment about the price increases I made you think that I was. I wasn’t flirting with you. My hair was completely covered as was my body. I don’t know how I gave you the wrong impression. Just because I’m polite and don’t want to embarrass you I gave you my number. Sometimes I even say no I won’t give you my number but you keep bugging me and asking me and following me, please don’t.
So now although I’m single and hope to meet my Mr. Right someday I’m not sure how. Because just the thought of dating sends chills up my spine and makes me want to start running. What’s not to fear? Having to think of a place to meet that’s public enough but won’t make people you know wonder who you’re out with and whether it’s serious or not? Or my conscience telling me that Islamically it’s not appropriate. Even when there’s a “chaperone” in the form of a girl-friend or two it still doesn’t feel right.
Some of you will probably think I’m full of myself for thinking that these guys really are interested. Well I’m certain they are, some have flat out told me so. And perhaps it’s not the dating that I don’t like, perhaps it’s the feeling of being under seige or under attack. I feel like once the ball is set in motion I can’t stop it. I can say no, but that means I have to take a new route, or that going to work becomes a game of dodgeball. I can’t just make things go back to the way they were.
Perhaps that’s why some women wear the niqab. I’m sure having that piece of cloth over my face will scare them a little and make them think twice. Perhaps that’s the only way to interact with men on a daily basis and feel safe and secure. After all I can’t imagine anyone asking a Niqabi out, can you? Now if I could just be brave enough to wear one.
I say sister wearing the niqab is not a solution. “So am not alone, we are totally in sync”.I said after reading your article. After a couple of failed relationships, i have a deep sense of fear for the word “dating”.YES! Dating the scariest word for me in the dictionary at the moment.
Due to a million and one reasons, top of the list being the increasing number of “trustworthy” brothers who use the words (like it is the latest piece on a Paris runway) “i want to marry you” or ” insha Allah you are my wife”. And insha Allah they break our hearts. My experiences if listed are longer than the Nile River. I have heard quite a number of ridiculous and insane statements ,” i only want to marry one of your kind i.e hijabi cuz you are a muslima, you know you muslimas are selfish that’s why we prefer the non muslim girls, but we have no choice cuz we want our kids to be hafidhul Quran. “Hey does giving into your ugly desires before marriage make me a better or lesser wife”? Or you hijabis are all hypocrites. So you know just because your luck didn’t run out with a few, doesn’t mean we are all the same! Due to some of these happenstances, 3 months ago and also during the month of Ramadan i started toying with the idea of wearing the niqab, may be i get to meet a trustworthy brother that will be respectful and truthful enough. Voila! The problems disappear? No there are many a sisters out there encountering these “new breed”. Wearing the niqab has to be for a much deeper reason! Don’t get me wrong, i don’t hate the other gender, i despise the thought of getting involved and like humpety -dumpety have a great fall. It so bad that am filled with nostalgia whenever am approached.
I pray that Allah (SWT) in his infinite mercy save the single muslimas from further ugly encounters, and allay our fears in other to become the loving wives and mothers we have have always dreamed of. Ameen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I agree… also I think that i find it harder to trust another guy and another relationship…esp. when so many have gone down the drain… I am def. getting a lot better at recognizing the hints when they are going to fall apart.
This is a huge problem for young women! I don’t at all think that you’re arrogant for saying that men are interested in you, its a problem for many Muslim women! But it seems we often do attract the wrong type!
I don’t know what your background is sister,but this is my advice to you and all the other sisters seeking marriage to someone that you can trust: Don’t do it alone! Make it a rule to NEVER give your number out to directly to a guy. Have someone that you trust be your “weed out” person. Have him call that person first, they can ask him the essential questions: “Does he pray?” “Does he have a job?” and whatever else you want to know before you would even consider being in a relationship with him. This person could be an older friend who is already married or someone in your community that you trust, but he needs to go through someone else. This shows him that you’re a respectable girl and won’t take just anyone. If he refuses to do this, he’s not worth it. Good men are willing to put in the extra effort to get a nice girl.
Another solution is to have people find someone for you. In most communities, there’s at least one “matchmaker aunty.” These women make it their job to try to get young couples together. This doesnt always work, but if she is someone that you trust, you can get her to suggest you to some young men that are trustworthy. Also, getting an older friend, or someone who is already married to help you find someone is always better than going it alone.
Like you said the “dating” even if its in a public place w/another female friend is still not a very good situation. The ideal situation is for him to meet you with a male relative of your family. If this is not possible (which I know it isnt for many young Mulsimas), then you should try to meet him with someone that you trust who is older and can offer you a sound opinion. And it would be best, if possible not to meet in a public place, because like you said people will see you and start talking…and we all know the results of that!
Try to find an older person or a young couple that you trust and see if they will offer to open their house to you for that purpose. Maybe they can invite him over to dinner and the 4 of you could have dinner together? Again I don’t know what your person situation is and whether or not this is feasable.
My other piece of advice: Don’t be afraid to say “No, I’m not interested!”
This was extremely hard for me too! You feel bad b/c he’s interested in you, so you start trying to imagine yourself with him, but it just doesnt work! I got into a relationship with a guy like this and it ended in disaster!
Most of all you have to trust that Allah (swt) has a plan for you. Make du3a for him to send you your other half. If you put your trust in him and no one else, then inshAllah you won’t be let down. I pray that you and all of the other single Mulsima’s find the right person who will give them the happy life that they deserve!
Salams Sisters, I’m sooooooo glad to hear your comments!! I was afraid that I was the only person who felt this way. May Allah accept our du’as and deliver us from “dating” blues. As a child you are innocent and optimistic you think that everything will work out for the best, but when life proves you wrong once or twice you start to hesitate and learn to be pessimistic until proven otherwise. That’s what dating has become for me I expect it to be bad until I’m proven wrong.
Having a “weed out” person sounds like a good idea, but also a big responsibility. And I think quite a few men would runaway from a situation like that, but perhaps that’s the point.
To any men out there reading this, please find a way to treat us right. We don’t like to be leered at or looked at like we’re some piece of meat. Just because we talk to you doesn’t mean we want to “date” or marry you so find out first. Watch our signals. If we hesitate when you ask for our number just make light of it and say you forgot your phone anyway. And if we say that we’re not interested it means just that. It doesn’t mean that now you have our permission for a full on assault. I’ve had a guy that I’ve texted “not interested” to send me a text back saying he was so happy to hear from me and that he would soon be sending me a present!! What part of no equals a yes?! And guys just so you know calling me twenty times in a row isn’t going to make me answer your call. If I’d wanted to speak to you I would have either picked up at the first ring or called you back when I saw it.
Before I get to know a person I don’t want him to know where I live or who my family is and meeting him at my friend or relatives house makes me uncomfortable. Because if he’s a stalker then he’ll start frequenting their homes. Sadly as with all things it’s the few that mess it up for the majority. Because I know that not all men are like this. But filtering through the muck to get to the good stuff is exhausting, disgusting and yeah scary!
salams sister,i totally feel your drift.i think you are very brave to express yourself like this.alot of us are terrified of this emotional imbalance,when you know there is something actually not right about your dating but can hardly admit it to ourselves,so you are a step ahead of people with similar situations,but i dont think wearing the niqab is a way out.some guys actually search for ladies that wear the niqab,so if you are thinking it will be a way out of dating, i think its not.however,sooner or later dating again will become quite necessary in our lives,so i advise that you keep an open mind about guys you meet,they might be nothing close to your picture of Mr.right but giving someone a chance to get to know him better may do alot more than just shutting your doors.but remember,its not magic,it might take some more time and patience!Good luck to us all cause we are in similar shoes my dear.
lol its funny reading this, but very true i imagine. ironically as a guy i can stil relate 2 some of your feelings. believe it or not some of us have bad experiences too which slowly develop into trust issues. after my own hopeless encounters ive decided to go down the traditional route n let the elders play cupid. it isnt my ideal choice but will make the whole process a lot easier for me!
It’s so great to get a guys perspective on this! I have no trouble believing that guys are disappointed by us as well. I’d just imagine it being a bit easier to get out of unpleasant situations since guys are generally the ones doing the pursuing. I wish you all the best with your chosen path but can’t help wondering if you can really accept someone “elders” bring as a suitable candidate? Do you just take it on faith? Or are you willing to let go of your criteria and trust that they know you best? Or is it a trial and error situation?
well a mix of all of the above really. i have faith that they will know me well enough to suggest somebody they feel would be suitable to me, but will have to see with some trial and error. And am not too fussy really so the criteria isnt much anyway. The arranged way has worked for generations and hopefuly will continue doing so for those who choose it. In my case its just a path which just seems more appealing than trying to find somebody myself after my bad experience.
Well….in my opinion, unless you’re looking for marriage, there isn’t a reason to be dating. Yeah, I go to public school and such, I know what it feels like to like a guy, knowing deep inside Islamically it’s wrong. But when you thing about it, if you date all your life, with no intention of getting married at that age, what’s the point of marriage? Marriage is sharing something special called love with a special person. What makes it so special if you’ve already dated and been around the block? If men are interested in you and you really feel that you want to get to know them in hopes of getting married, then go to a restaurant or something and bring a muslim friend along. It’ll make you much more comfortable, I’m sure of that. You won’t feel like you’re doing something haram as long as your intentions are well. And if there are men that are interested in you and you just want to stay friends, let them know it in a gentle way, just like you’d turn someone down who wants to date you. Yeah, I know I’m only in highschool, but I hope that my advice could help you. And just remember, keep your intentions straight in the path of Islam and not the shaytaan. Good luck sister! 🙂
Also, I think you should just let them know if they bother you. If they keep on bugging you about it, let them know: “Hey, I’m really not interested. I just came to buy my groceries, and I really didn’t come looking for a relationship. Please stop bugging me with this, thank you.” Sometimes you have to man up and give it to them hardly, even if it hurts their feelings.